Some say marriage is a dying institution. Others seem to put more stock (literally in some cases no doubt) in the wedding. You learn about weddings costing upwards of $20,000. And then the divorce follows 3 years later. So, what was all that about? I don’t think our wedding, including the clothes we wore, cost $500. And no, that doesn’t mean it would have been a lot more in today’s dollars taking into account inflation etc.
But you are curious about what makes a wedding last. Maybe even more so about how ours lasted so long?
To be sure, to begin with, ours is what some call a mixed marriage, meaning my wife Anne and I are not of the same background, other than that we are human. Some would say that would be a strike against success from the get-go. Could be. But it’s never been a problem for us. Well, of course, there were a lot of significant values we shared. But with her being from the most conservative ethnic group of Taiwanese and me being from what some would call ‘ethnic Mennonite’ stock in Canada, well, you get the picture.
One thing we both learned quickly about each other was that we valued family. Anne loved and appreciated her family back in Taiwan. She could see from my connections with my siblings up to my grandparents and even great uncles and aunts how meaningful family was for me. We also both loved nature. I grew up in northern Canada, where the wild was a stone’s throw from the front door. She had taken to hiking in nature in her university years. We were both pretty thrifty, not materialistic. We both loved music, although my tastes are much more varied, including a lot more rock, blues etc., whereas hers tends mostly to classical, which I also like. We both like good literature, reading. Gardening was also something we had in common. My family carried on our rural roots Mennonite tradition in that respect. Anne’s family also had all kinds of plants and trees for food in the compound that was part of her home growing up. We enjoy playing games together. As time went on we discovered a mutual fondness for travel and exploration. We tend to prefer nature or heritage sites, especially old buildings (homes, public buildings, churches and cathedrals), most often found in cities.
However, the core of our being together this long really has a lot to do with our faith. The seeds of Christianity had been planted in her childhood by Anne’s attending pre-school and Sunday school in a Roman Catholic mission in her hometown. She was led to join a group of Chinese immigrants who were actively involved with the Alliance Church in Winnipeg, where we met, even before I met her. So, it wasn’t much of a switch for her to start going to my Mennonite Church with me when we started going together. Eventually she was baptized into the Mennonite Church and is as staunch and well-informed an Anabaptist as you will find.
In this Christian tradition, marriage is seen as being ordained by God at the beginning. Monogamy and lifetime commitment are the expected norms. So, when you accept all that and have family and a faith community to hold and support you as you move along the path of your marriage, staying the course is doable. Unfortunately, many don’t even have that to begin with. This is not to say that having a faith is a necessary key to a successful marriage. There are people who have no spiritual faith who make their marriages last. However, they will no doubt still share enough of a belief system, of values, to sustain their relationship.
So, what about the quality of your relationship, some might well be asking. Indeed, that is important. No one wants a joyless marriage. I think the attitude you bring to marriage, in our case, increasingly shaped by our faith, still had a lot to do with this for us. I think we were very fortunate in this regard. I was nearly 28 when we met, Anne, going on 25. That brings a certain maturity to one’s assessment of things. At the same time, we quickly fell into a deeply passionate and intimate relationship. That, in my opinion, has formed an important part of the foundation of a good marriage, at least when it continues. When there are difficult moments, when we are apart, as we often are these days, for months at a time with Anne spending time with her aging parents in Taiwan, not usually with me there, remembering that love helps carry us through. The pictures from that era, the songs we shared between us that I wrote, all help. We are no longer young and as good-looking as we might have been then. But when you have a marriage like ours, founded on what we have, your beloved will always look beautiful to you – what you see is never separated from what you saw when you were younger.
A good marriage is something based on firm commitment that one works at to maintain. As the old “Sound of Music” line goes, “nothing comes from nothing.” Our world is too inundated with material from psychology and the media that creates unrealistic expectations of marriage. You have to be married to a soul-mate. Your youthful passion has to continue till – when? Movies, pop songs and checkstand pulp aside, marriage is not just better and better sex!
From the outside some marriages might look like the couple never argue, fight or has a disagreement. As Anne would say, “Get real.” But when these things happen, you have to look at the bigger picture and stay the course, making whatever adjustments seem necessary remedy the situation and sometimes just weathering it until it passes, however that occurs. Don’t jump to dire conclusions about the end of your marriage looming ahead of you just because you had a spat! Back off, survey the scene, cool down and let reason re-emerge. Don’t live on feelings and emotions. Of course, as I said, you do need them – in their place. If the temptation of divorce surfaces in the heat of the moment, think about what you have done together over the years, the life you have created together. Think of your partner. What have they done and put into the relationship? How can you selfishly and foolishly think of throwing all that away?
That brings me to another important aspect of a good marriage, which also has roots in our faith, particularly some of the injunctions in the letters of the New Testament in our Bible about marriage and love. True love wants the best for the other person. Look at who your partner is, what they like that’s valid, what they are interested in, what they are capable of, what their dreams are. Do what you can to support and help them enjoy and achieve all that. I don’t mean put them on a sacred pedestal to worship and adore. That helps no one.
I know some marriages don’t succeed. Some should not continue because, for whatever reason, whether it’s abuse or infidelity, for example, it is really no longer a marriage. I feel for those caught in these situations. Sometimes, with the right help, those situations can be successfully changed. Sometimes divorced couples do successfully remarry, but that’s the exception.
Marriage might not be for everyone. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with singleness. Far be it from me to imply that if you don’t get married life can’t be enjoyable and meaningful. Yes, you will miss out on some things such as the nature of mutually shared love and all that offers, but there are other things in life that can satisfy, provided the single person doesn’t pity him or herself, or envy the married. Singleness has its advantages too.
A successful marriage is a relationship that requires enough communication to share what’s needed, to solve the problems that arise. It is not created from the moment you say “I do.” It has a beginning, yes, but it is built, over hours, days, weeks, months and years. If you have enough good common ground to begin with, and build on that, maintain it, with a healthy appreciation for the past and hope for the future, hopefully within a supportive community, lifelong marriage can be a love that just keeps on getting deeper and better. That would be my prayer for you, married or contemplating it, dear reader.
