Doubt

Doubt

I always thought that I was not much of a doubter. I often wondered why. Others seem to have so many questions about God and their faith. Sometimes I tried to tell myself that it was because I taken enough of a look at all the other religions and systems of belief to know that nothing matched what I held, namely what is commonly known as Christianity.

Then I heard a sermon from our pastor that made me realize that I have perhaps been doubting all along. Indeed, my doubts may be one of the worst kinds if that is what I'm doing.

For most of my life I have felt that I was not doing enough as a Christian. In particular, I felt that I was not doing enough to share my faith and bring others to Christ. I questioned why I felt like this. On one hand, I thought it reflected my upbringing as the son of what some would call fundamentalist Christian parents. I had read and heard many times that our main task was to win souls for Jesus. I had also absorbed the message that if we did not do this, perhaps we might not be accepted when we arrived at the pearly gates.

Indeed, there were times when I looked around me and saw how so few people seem to share this opinion. Or perhaps they were just not expressing it, as I probably was not. We don't tend to broadcast what we perceive as our shortcomings. I wondered how they could not have this feeling and sometimes wished I were like them. On the other hand, I used to, perhaps self-righteously, question the depth of their commitment.

When I was younger, I had been led to believe that the "fruits of the spirit" were those whom we had brought to salvation. When I got older, I was taught that these were characteristics that believers developed as a result of the indwelling Holy Spirit. This was comforting, but I still could not get away from this other feeling of GUILT. So, all along, I have been struggling with doubt, but labeling it guilt.

At the same time, I never felt that I really felt that guilty. I did not feel a burden.

To be sure, there were times when I tried to reassure myself with the knowledge that we cannot save ourselves to matter what we do. If we have accepted the salvation offered by God, we are saved. I had accepted that. I believed that I had contentment, peace, joy and strength because of that and subsequent work of the Holy Spirit in me.

The sermon that our pastor, Tim Kuepfer, preached on May 12, 2013, helped me see this in somewhat of a new light. He put things in the large perspective of creation to eternity. The message was based on Hebrews 4:1-13. He reminded us that God created everything good and then took time to rest and enjoy that. He then told us that if we are believers, we should also be in this "rest." We should be experiencing it here and now in the present world, and not just in the future world of eternity.

Intellectually, this is reassuring. Maybe it is only in my emotions that I need to say with one of our Lord's listeners, "Lord help my unbelief." But I still ask myself, what about my responsibility to "the lost" as I had been taught from such a young age.