Guilt

Aha, I caught your attention with that title did I not?

Will, this is a blog entry in which I am going to possibly be more personal than I have generally been or even ever have been in previous entries. Some might say that the fact that I would  Have these thoughts or write this represents my idealism because I am only doing what I wish more of us would do with each other, especially those of us who called each other Christians; that is, the more open with one another about a real thoughts, our fears our feelings etc.

I have wondered for years whether I am really guilty of spiritual laziness, if that is what I should call it. Simply put, I often wonder about things that I think maybe I could or should be doing as a Christian, but am not. I am not necessarily referring here to shirking responsibilities that others have assigned or that others depend on. However, I sometimes wonder what my Lord really thinks of me.

I have sometimes talked to others whose opinion I would value about this but have generally been simply reassured. Somehow, I still cannot accept that. I sometimes wonder whether we are all so entrenched in our Western, affluent, individualistic society, that we have long lost sight of the type of sacrificial living that the church sometimes promoted.

At other times I think, including when I read the Scriptures or some of the older hymns we sing, where we are enjoined to do things like fulfil the sufferings of Christ - what does that really mean for us in 21st-century America? Jesus was a unique individual like no one before him or after with a purpose that no one else will ever have. Is it then right to expect that we as Christians should fully follow his path? On the one hand, Jesus talked about taking up his cross and following him. He talked about selling all your goods and giving to the poor. He also pointed out to would-be followers that they might have to give up family connections. They should think about the fact that he was a person who had nowhere to lay his head at night.

On the other hand, Jesus talked about coming to bring abundant life. Now, I know that many of us agree that there are far too many, particularly in North America and especially among the more conservative evangelical segments of Christianity, that believe, as the Jews in Jesus day did, that this refers to being socially successful and materially prosperous. I don't accept that. We know that Jesus pointed out that being rich was not to be acquainted with having God’s blessing. I have had enough fulfilling experiences as a Christian to wonder whether the abundant life Jesus is really referring to is the joy and satisfaction that we can gain from devoting ourselves fully to what Christ wants us to do.

I look around me at many so-called good Christians, deeply spiritual people who serve their church and community well. However, they also drive good cars and w cottages and live in houses beyond what I would ever build for myself or buy. Do they not have the kinds of questions I am talking about here?

These questions about what I am doing with my resources and time sometimes plague me when I'm doing things that I enjoy such as spending time on my photography, going on vacation or watching a movie. Now, of course, the society in which Jesus lived was totally different than ours and he never had to deal with these issues. I am sure he had different temptations though in terms of wanting to have a family, settle down and have a home.

Does Jesus really want us to spend our every waking hour either in prayer, Bible study, or some service or relational activity that would definitely be seen as part of the fulfilment of the great commandment of Matthew 28 to the church? Should we not have any hobbies, free time to enjoy things that we like doing, or vacations? To many of us, those are the kinds of things that help make our life seem more "full and abundant.” 

Then I look again at our Lord's life an example. I think about the fallen world we live in and how much there is to do in it to try to make it better. Then I wonder whether some of those things that I have described above that we in our modern Western world enjoy are really only the kinds of things we should let ourselves be prey to if the world was in a fully restored state. Perhaps these are the kinds of things we would've happily participated in if there was no sin in the world, if there had never been that “fall." However, now that the world is as it is, and we have a mission to do, do we not have other things to do than follow our own likes and pursuits? By continuing to do so, are we just showing our extreme selfishness? How can we sit playing games and enjoying the company of friends for an evening before retiring to our warm comfortable beds when there are millions in this world who don't even know what such a game is and who have nowhere to sleep but In great insecurity under the stars.

There is one other significant element to all of this that I have not even raised so far. That is the message that many of us have heard in our lifetime to the effect that as Christians, we are all too be involved in “winning souls for Christ.” As I look around at many of my fellow-believers, it does not seem that many of them are very actively involved in this. I do not see a lot of what I would call verbal witnessing going on. To be sure, I wonder if some of that is simply not from the spiritual culture that we have grown up in. As a Mennonite, descendent of those who endured severe persecution in the past, and so subsequently to some extent simply became, as we have often said, "die stille im land,” the “quiet in the land,” we just don't talk about our faith in everyday life the way we sometimes see others such as our Alliance or Pentecostal neighbours seemingly do. Even though my own parents were so-called full-time missionaries, their everyday talk was not peppered with references to Jesus or God or that they were doing this or that because of him. There was not a lot of talk about things happening because of God's will, whether we were doing God's will with choices we were making.

Now I know that many of my fellow-Christians do a reasonable job of introducing their families to Christianity. We sometimes talk about that as a growing the biological church. Of course, with our current birthrate, it would just be sustaining what we now have in terms of numbers. But we don't seem to do a lot of sharing our faith with people we meet in our work or leisure activities, let alone our family.

Ultimately, I have to look at myself about all of this. I cannot look at others for excuses. Am I simply afraid to speak out? When I was a child, I know that we suffered some significant teasing and negative behaviour, even physically assaultive on isolated occasions, because of our being part of the Evangelical Church versus the mainline Anglican or Catholic in our small northern community. I have had a couple of experiences of significant rebuffing of my attempts when I have tried to witness on occasion. Somehow, for most of my career, in spite of the fact that I believe God called me to it, I have ended up working in what might be called public service, where in our pluralistic society, one is not really allowed to speak about one’s faith, especially not in any way that might be construed as promoting it to those you serve, i.e. my patients. I have often wondered about the seeming contradiction in that. It is partly why in the past I did maintain a small private practice so I was more free to do that, although even their I have had colleagues receive admonishment from our licensing body because of faith-related issues that surfaced in their own private offices.

We know that we are called to a life of discipleship. Many of us do quite a reasonable job of that. But what about that aspect of bringing others to Christ? I know we are often reassured by leaders in our society that it is not a numbers game. But we are to do something are we not?

Well, I have here exposed some of my deepest and most agonizing questions. At the same time, I have always often wondered about this because I do not feel what to me would be a real sense of guilt about all of the above. Particularly as a psychiatrist, I know what guilt can do to people, leading to serious depression etc., and I have never been anywhere near that. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I am so far removed from where I should be as a Christian . Is my conscience so dulled? At other times I want to say that I can go on without this guilt because I know that is not really a feeling Jesus wants me to have. He knows our weakness   and he has still loved and forgiven us, as long as we have asked him for that. If that assurance of salvation and having received the gift of God's grace is pretty much all that I bring to the Lord on Judgment Day, along with what I have done in service, but with a pretty skimpy record when it comes to bringing others into the kingdom, what will be my sentence?

There are some indications in the New Testament that we will not all be judged equally. Does that mean that some of this will have a different level of reward in heaven? Do we just count on being there at least, even if it means having almost no “stars in our crown” versus others whose crowns would be laden with them?

Sometimes when I have these thoughts, I find it at least a little reassuring that even someone who we generally regard as highly as we do the Apostle St. Paul, that even he wrote, as recorded in Romans 7:15 “I do not understand my own actions. Why I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.… 17 so that it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer who do it, but sin which dwells within me.

21 so I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inmost self, 23 but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin which dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”

No one has ever said it better than that. So, I think it is time I stop this somewhat disorganized rambling, which probably simply reflects my own unclear thoughts on the topic.